I declare that I will perform a sort of exorcism on myself. Get it out. Get behind me. Be gone.

RE: Get it out.
It has been said that I am a person of little to no initiative. I have been called cold, uninteresting, and ridiculous. My voice has been described as machine like. My parenting skills have literally been "called" into question. My husband has been advised to give me a talking to for the venom I spewed in a conversation. And though I have been taught all the right responses, though I find my value in Jesus Christ, though I live in affirmation and encouragement every day, there is a part of me that still runs those chiding observations through my head many times a day.

RE: Get behind me.
You cannot sway me to believe what you say. No initiative? I have found a way to go to college through full music tuition scholarships and BEOG grants (an attempt to find a way for the seemingly impossible and ask as little as possible from my parents for my education); I paid back to my parents the purchase of a bassoon that paid for said college education; I taught myself to play piano, saxophone and flute; I have performed professionally as principal bassoonist for many years with Huntsville Symphony Orchestra and played 2nd and contrabassoon as well to maintain that love as well as the care for my children; I have stood steadfast beside those three children as they launched into the world; I have founded two music education programs that offer music education for children who could not afford it otherwise; I have created professional positions that have not existed previously - youth director and personnal manager for a regional symphony; I have followed a call to study at Vanderbilt Divinity School; I have driven to Houston to seek medical care for the dreaded disease diagnosed in my husband; I have insisted the physician get me to a surgeon knowing my symptoms were not benign and have said yes to bi-lateral mastectomy without immediate reconstruction so that I would still have the strength to care for a chronically ill husband whose home health care was me; I have taken the reigns of a household budget when I realized the sharp mind of my husband was failing in the final stages of cancer; I have stood bedside and birthed him into Heaven and created a funeral service that brought dignity and honor to him and to Jesus Christ; I have sold a house and moved away and built a house to be caregiver for my aging parents who were struggling and to enjoy life near my brother and sister; I have "come back from the brink of obsolescence and auditioned to win a position at ETSU as bassoon instructor and bassoonist and personnel manager with Johnson City Symphony Orchestra; I have given all that up in faith and returned to Huntsville to be near a grieving daughter; I have called a man I love for coffee because I am not cold. I am passionate. I have initiated reconstructive breast surgery, well into its 15th month now and another six months to go. As for being ridiculous? Good for me. Life without laughter is unbearable and unfulfilled. As for the venom? It's called truth.

RE: Be gone.
This is the hard part. Why do you stay in my mind? Why is it your words that resonate in my head? Why is it that when I doubt myself and need bolstering it is your criticism that I hear and validate?

This is a reminder to self and to others. Speak what builds up. Not what tears down. Words stay in the mind. Mocking becomes sinister. Smiles become evil. Be silent or be true. Be gone.